Paralysis, a huge block to expression

 

I am an artist, but my disability makes expression incredibly difficult to impossible. My days are filled with total and partial paralysis. As well as constant total pain, variably blank mind and excruciating hypersensitivities to noise, light, movement, perfume and touch. 

When a moment of clarity and ability present themselves, I have to grab the moment before it is lost. The result gives me joy though the actual process itself, to hold the pastel and hold my focus and see accurately, is a frustrating and often irritating experience. I have to stop and move away and rest from it to check if I have seen it correctly. I have to frequently stop because my fingers hurt too much or start to paralyse again. So many adjustments are required to get an accurate enough likeness.

When I manage a drawing it does not reflect the difficulty of the process or the agony of my life, trapped in a newer-ending rollercoaster of pain, blankness', paralysis, hypersensitivities, torment. 

I have wanted to try to convey the experience daily for a long time. Today I managed a simple one finger drawing whilst half my body had disappeared from feeling and function. This is it. My life in paralysis. So many other symptoms added on would make it hard to see what was going on. Yet this is only one aspect of my multiple disabling symptoms. A difficult day, but at least I managed to express a little of my hurdles to art.